Why did Sally fall out the window?
She was pushed.
A blonde walks into a bar.
Ouch.
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
I got suspended at school today, I lit a kids wheelchair on fire and called him hot wheels
When i was going downstairs Sum Ting Wong fell and doctors say Sum Ting Wong happened
Did you hear the news? Michael jackson died, because he choked on 7 year old nuts and balls
There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.
So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.
Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.
I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."
(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.
What do Bob Ross's painting and the orphanage have in common?
They're both filled with happy little accidents.
Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.
Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀
A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.
She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”
The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”
The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
Why did Harry fall out of the boat?
Because he's hooked!
"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"
How do you spell racecar backwards?
racecar
How do you spell racecar sideways?
Paul Walker's death.
When a woman decides to abort, it is called a decision, but when I run my truck into a playground of kids, it is called murder.
