Accident jokes
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.
One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.
I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
What is the difference between a dead baby and an orphan?
The dead baby happened on purpose while the orphan came out as an accident!
A girl and a boy were on a date. The boy kept farting. The girl asked, "What is wrong?!?". The boy replied, "Explosive diarrhea.". The girl said, "Ew".
The boy went to the bathroom, and the place exploded. The center of the explosion, the bathroom.
Your mama is so fat that she doesn't get crushed by cars, she crushes cars and babies in strollers on the sidewalk when she falls and doesn't see any remains, so there is no evidence.
A man in a wheelchair and his friend were walking down the street.
Man in Wheelchair: *falls out of wheelchair*
Friend: Are you okay?
Man in Wheelchair: I can't feel my legs!
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
Why did Annie fall from the swing?
Because she had no hands.
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Not Annie.
Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a Viagra.
Jill was drunk, fell to her knee, Jack had his chance, did Jill till 3.
What do Bob Ross's painting and the orphanage have in common?
They're both filled with happy little accidents.
Why is it bad to climb a tree?
You might fall on an orphan! 🫥
Why'd Sally drop her ice cream?
She was hit by a bus.
Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker... So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus.
So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.
20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.
Did you know that the Royal family like carnivals?
Princess Diana was really fond of bumper cars.
I killed a man in '94.
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.
Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.
Today my toilet paper ran across the road, but it got stuck in the crack.