Accident jokes

Why did Sally fall off of the swing?

Because she has no arms.

Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

Not Sally.

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

So, Helen Keller walks into a bar... And then a table.

I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...

What did Homer Simpson say when he ran over a deer? "DOE!"

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

NWA: Straight Outta Compton.

Kobe Bryant: Straight Outta the Helicopter.

I respect anyone who devotes their life to charity work.

But I think Paul Walker went a step too far.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"

The dad: "Everywhere."

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Susie.

I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.

I'd tell you a Kobe joke.

But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.

Why did Hitler get hit by a car? Because he did Nazi that coming!

What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.

"Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"

A boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other. The crews were marooned.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."