Accident jokes

Did you know Princess Diana's last dress she wore was white? But afterwards, it was red.

Why did the golfer change his pants? In case he got a hole in one!

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like everyone else in the plane.

5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"

There were two snakes slithering along when one snake said to the other snake, "Are we poisonous?" "Idk why?" The other snake responded, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"

I was driving when I saw a kid chasing after a ball, but I didn’t have enough time to slow down. Then I pulled over, and the dad yelled, "What the fuck did you do?" I looked into the street and saw the ball completely deflated and the kid crying, "Now I gotta hear him bitch and moan all day," he continues.

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was such a good pilot.

Why did the kid fall off the swing? He had no arms.

My wife was run over.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Boo." "Boo who?" "Don't cry in front of me, or else I'll cry!"

You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

Because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt.

Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

I caught a cold, Mary Earp caught the ball, what did the towers catch? The plane.

What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?

A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.