100 jokes

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*

Yo mama so fat, she broke Usain Bolt's 100 meter speed record by taking ONE STEP!

Who are the world's fastest readers?

9/11 victims. 100 stories in 11 seconds.

Yo mama so fat, she got arrested for carrying 100 pounds of crack.

Why did Al Qaeda lose $100 on a bet?

They bet $100 that they wouldn't crash when they went through the Twin Towers.

How did you get into the tampon 100?

Pull some strings!

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

You learn something new every day.

Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.

Dad: Johnny, Johnny?

Johnny: Yes, Papa.

Dad: Getting women?

Johnny: Yes, Papa.

Dad: Telling lies?

Johnny: No, Papa.

Dad: Well, you're 100% lying because you get NO WOMEN!

What do a 100-year-old pornstar and The White Stripes have in common? Icky Thump!

Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.

Someone else: How was it?

Me: It's a long story.

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

What is red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?

A frog in a blender.

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.

Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

The kid with a gun walked into my classroom and fucking shot the teacher.

He pointed the gun at me and asked, "What's 2+2?" I answer him and he writes the answer down on his test. He did this with every kid. He got a 100%, expelled, and a lifetime in prison. Hey, at least he gets free food.