Board jokes
Why do orphans like Monopoly?
To cry about the money they can’t earn in real life.
Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?
Myla: I went to a restaurant.
Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?
Timmy: I went to a concert.
Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?
Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.
Did you hear the passengers on the Titanic invited Yo Momma and the Titanic crew said, "Man overboard!"
I'm gonna open up a bar for emos.
I think I'll call it "The Cutting Board."
Why can't orphans play Monopoly?
Because they never get a full house.
Why was Jesus Christ cut from the hockey team?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
Two towers.
You see a boat filled with people, yet there isn’t a single person on board. How is that possible?
All of them are married!
My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."
Where do surfers go to school?
Boarding school.
Why were the UK and the USA bad at chess?
Because they lost their queen and two towers.
I guess in British chess they play without a queen...
But in American chess they play without two towers.
What is the difference between an emo kid and a cutting board?
An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.
It's quite obvious to each of the three men where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you, do you? This is my seat, after all."
The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! After all, Pakistanis and Indians are brothers! Are we not?"
The Indian is delighted at how warm and friendly they are, and he takes his seat. Shortly the plane takes off and the three guys are just chilling until the Indian says, "You know it's going to be a long ride and I am getting thirsty. Brothers, can I get any of you like a drink?" Then one of them says, "Yes brother, I would like a Coke!"
The Indian slips off his shoes and walks barefoot to where the stewardess is at, and when the Indian is out of view, one of the Pakistanis spits into his shoe. The Indian comes back and gives him a Coke.
Then the other Pakistani says, "You know what brother? I would also like a Coke too!" The Indian happily obliges, and as soon as he is out of view, he also spits in his shoe before the Indian gives him a Coke.
Finally, the Indian slips on his shoes and suddenly realizes how wet they are. He shakes his head and says, "Brothers! Why must we do this to each other, spitting in each other's shoes and peeing in each other's Cokes?"
Why do US suck at chess? We lost both our towers.
Why is England so good at chess? They still have their queen.
Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.
Q: What is Germany's favorite board game?
A: Nahtzee (Yahtzee).
I'm a big fan of white boards. I find them... Remarkable.
Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?
Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!
Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?
Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!
Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?
Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...
TWO HOURS LATER
Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!
AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER
Q: Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?
A: He hates getting nailed to the boards.
What do cutting boards and a suicidal teen's wrist have in common?
They both have cutting marks.