ID jokes

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he is just Dav.

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”

I'd rate the food in Afghanistan a 9/11. That shit was bomb.

I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.

Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." *SMACK*! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie. *SMAACK*! She slapped Suzie. "Okay, Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."

What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.

I'd hit you, but I don't want to go to jail for animal abuse.

Father: "I don't trust you. You poured your seed in my daughter's belly."

Son: "But Paah, you can't fire me."

Father: "You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you."

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."

Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."

Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."

Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."

Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

Q: What did the iceberg say to the Titanic?

A: I'd hit that.

Random guy: "Go suck a D*ck!"

Me: Nah, I'd rather suck a 9mm.

Me and a person downtown.

Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.

Me: I guess so.

Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?

Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.

Person: Why'd you stop?

Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH.

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

What did Chris Brown say when he saw Rihanna?

"I'd hit that."

I bet a disabled kid on a wheelchair that if he could catch me, I'd give him 1000 dollars. He said deal, and I went upstairs.

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.