30+ ID Jokes

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he is just Dav.

I'd rate the food in Afghanistan a 9/11. That shit was bomb.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

💀😂

The image depicts a conversation where a 6-year-old child looks at their mom's ID card, specifically the sex designation "F". The child laughs and when asked why, they state, "I can't believe you're so bad in sex that you failed in it." The image finishes with the text: "Husband died laughing."

When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

What do emo kids like to smoke?

"Marjuanakillmyself."

Yo mama is so ugly that when she went through a face ID, it didn't think she was human.

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

An Asian student was learning logarithm in class. He wrote down his name after the question. The teacher asked why. He replied, "My class ID is number 1."