Strangling jokes
Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.
Why do emos like yo-yo's? Cos they get strangled by the string.
Wouldn’t the person be dead before the strangling starts? Unless Alastor did surgery?
Chuck Norris strangled someone with a cordless phone.
What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, cute lady!"
Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."
Man: "Not for long!"
And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.
Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"
Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."
Woman: "Never."
And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.
Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"
Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"
And then the man orders flowers and candy.
Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."
And the man shoots the bartender.
Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 9/11 documentary.
I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."
God creating spiders.
God: "Make it have 8 legs." Angel: "Ok? Bit excessive but ok." God: "And 8 eyes." Angel: "You need to calm down and li-" God: "Give it a butt rope!"
Community talk
You ever feel that urge to strangle something cute just because its so cute?
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Im going to explain how it feels to be strangled to death First, you feel the pressure in your throat your eyes water and you start to taste something very very sour in your mouth then it's like someone lights a match right in the middle of your chest and that fire grows it fills your lungs, mussels, and your throat and all the way behind your eyes and finally that fire turns to ice like pins and needles of ice are sticking into your fingers, feet, arms, you see stars than darkness and the last thing you feel is cold