Yours jokes
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.
I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.
I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!
I’d roast you, but your mirror does that for me every day.
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and your parents?
Nothing. They are both just memories.
If you're happy and you know it, f*** your mom.
Coworker: Knock knock.
Orphan: Who's there?
Coworker: Not your parents.
*P.O.V orphan wanting to go on school trip/camp*
Teacher: “Can I have your parent's signature? It isn’t filled out.”
Orphan: “Um yeah.... That’s gonna be hard....”
Teacher: “Why?”
Orphan: “I just have to find them first....”
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
If you feel sad, or you feel that you are not loved... You're with mushroom pizza.
When you’re trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire. Shit, have I had to suck a lot of cock lately!?
You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."
My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.
Knock knock.
Orphan: Who's there?
Not your parents.
When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Cuz he felt like it mind your f***ing business like damn.
A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.
She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”
The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”
The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”
It's not incest if you're adopted.
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.