You jokes
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, “May I use the bathroom?”
The teacher replied, “No, not unless you say your alphabet.”
So the boy said, “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”
When he finished, the teacher asked him, “Where’s the p?”
The boy replied, “Half way down my leg...”
A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
Disabled man stands up.
Blind man: “You can stand?”
Deaf man: “You can see?”
Mute man: “You can hear?”
Disabled man: “You can talk?”
Doctor: “What the actual fuck?”
Other doctor: “FUCK THIS, I QUIT!”
I will never forget my mother and father's last words.
"Where the Sam hell did you get a grenade?"
I would tell you a joke about my dink, but it's too long.
I'd hit you, but if I did, I'd go to jail for animal abuse.
What do you do when you're sad? Kick an orphan!
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
If you hit a child, that's child abuse.
If you hit a family member, that's abuse.
If you kill either, it's murder for some reason.
If it's a whole family, it's genocide for another reason.
Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Foreplay in may areas: "You awake?"
Way down South: "You awake, mom?"
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.
Kenny: "Tyler, you're lucky you're adopted."
Tyler: "Why?"
Kenny: "Because you can fuck your mom without getting arrested for incest."
If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.
What do you call a flat emo kid?
A cutting board.
What do you call a flat-chested emo girl?
A cutting board.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I saw a monkey yesterday, and thought it was you.
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.
Like this if you have ever had a family member die.