You jokes

Say "ocean" 5 times and you say "oh shit!"

Teacher: What does a chicken give you?

Student: An egg!

Teacher: What does a fat cow give you?

Student: Homework!

When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range, but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head...

Salman Rushdie got a new book out.

It's called "Buddha. You Fat Cunt."

What do you call a baby kangaroo? Joey.

What do you call a 6 year old named Joey? Supper.

Remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

Roses are red, violets are blue, when I saw you I thought of the zoo and monkeys too!

Little boy: Are you an orphan?

Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?

Little boy: Your parents.

Have you walked into Steven Hawking's house yet?

Yeah, neither has he.

You smell like tap water and cornflakes.

Person 1: “You assume I’m gay because I have rainbow hair, I’m wearing a rainbow shirt, and I have a rainbow pride flag behind me?”

Person 2: “You assume I’m disabled because I have deformed arms and limbs, no legs, and I ride around in a wheelchair?”

If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀

On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.

Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.

Mother, father, and a son. Father purchased a robot that can detect lies. The robot slaps when you lie.

During dinner time: Father: Son, what have you done today? Son: I watched Netflix, Dad. Robot: Stood up and slapped the son! Son: Okay! Okay! I watched porn, Dad. Dad: What? You watched porn? You are only 14! I never knew porn till I was 18 years of age. Robot: Stood up and slapped the Dad! Mother: Started to laugh and said "Sure he is your son!" Robot: Stood up and slapped the mother!

Hehe

What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?

Ereptile Dysfunction!

I accidentally bumped into a midget yesterday.

Me: "Are you ok sir?"

Midget: "Well, I'm not happy."

Me: "Well, which one are ya?"

Hello, this is Godlygirl26. I want to help people with their problems no matter what. There is nothing that God cannot do. I want y'all to know that God is with you, not any of those stone or wood "gods" but a true, loving, powerful God. DM this right here and I will answer. Hope I can help you! Love, Godlygirl26.

You can easily outrun a midget because they have to run twice as much as you do.

What has fingernails and legs made of grass? You, I lied about the grass.

Best way to trick your friends:

A brick falls out of a plane.

How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put him in, and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take the poor elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

The animal kingdom is throwing a party, all the animals are there except for one, who? The giraffe, because he's still in the fridge.

Sally needs to cross the river that is known to be filled with deadly crocodiles, but she crossed safely, how? Because the crocodiles are at the party, but Sally still dies after crossing the river, how? Because she was hit by the flying brick.