You jokes

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You tell them it's a leap of faith.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

Last night I burned down an orphanage.

There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

Bully: "Nobody loves you."

Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."

Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same.

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

Teacher: What does the pig give us? Student: Bacon.

Teacher: Very good. How about the chicken? Student: Meat.

Teacher: Good, now what would a fat cow give you? Student: Homework.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.

You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.

How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.

You shouldn’t bully fat people.

They already have enough on their plate.

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."