You jokes

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Once you go Asian, you can solve the equation.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You tell them it's a leap of faith.

Last night I burned down an orphanage.

There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

You shouldn’t bully fat people.

They already have enough on their plate.

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

Teacher: What does the pig give us? Student: Bacon.

Teacher: Very good. How about the chicken? Student: Meat.

Teacher: Good, now what would a fat cow give you? Student: Homework.

What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.

What do you call numbers that don’t stay in place?

Roamin’ Numerals.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"

You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.