You jokes

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You tell them it's a leap of faith.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

Teacher: What does the pig give us? Student: Bacon.

Teacher: Very good. How about the chicken? Student: Meat.

Teacher: Good, now what would a fat cow give you? Student: Homework.

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.

What do you call numbers that don’t stay in place?

Roamin’ Numerals.

Last night I burned down an orphanage.

There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"

How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.

When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."