You Jokes

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

Last night I burned down an orphanage.

There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

Teacher: What does the pig give us? Student: Bacon.

Teacher: Very good. How about the chicken? Student: Meat.

Teacher: Good, now what would a fat cow give you? Student: Homework.

The image shows a traffic accident involving a Coca-Cola truck and a Mentos truck. The Mentos truck is tipped over on its side, and the caption reads, "I DON'T THINK YOU REALIZE HOW CLOSE WE CAME TO A WORLD ENDING EVENT."

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.

Johnny Depp, Michael Jackson, and Marilyn Manson all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Why don't you take a seat, right over there?" Turns out the bartender was Chris Hansen himself.