You jokes

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Once you go Asian, you can solve the equation.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!

How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You tell them it's a leap of faith.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

Teacher: What does the pig give us? Student: Bacon.

Teacher: Very good. How about the chicken? Student: Meat.

Teacher: Good, now what would a fat cow give you? Student: Homework.

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.

What do you call numbers that don’t stay in place?

Roamin’ Numerals.

Last night I burned down an orphanage.

There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.