Last night I burned down an orphanage.
There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair.
You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.
One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.
My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
Teacher: What does the pig give us? Student: Bacon.
Teacher: Very good. How about the chicken? Student: Meat.
Teacher: Good, now what would a fat cow give you? Student: Homework.
You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.
If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.
So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.
What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.
Did you hear about Johnny Depp's shelter for abused women? It's going as well as Michael Jackson's children's hospital!
Bully: "Nobody loves you."
Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."
What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?
Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.
How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.
You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.
Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same.
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
