You jokes
"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"
"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."
Imagine if hitting the iceberg wasn't an accident and it was all just the sailors' fault like this:
Sailor 1: Hey Ron. Sailor 2: Yeah? Sailor 1: You see that iceberg over there? Sailor 2: Yeah. Sailor 1: You know what would be pretty funny?
If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"
Like if you have balls.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that little thing?
When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?
what do you call 6 gay men in WWII?
Rainbow Six Siege.
What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?
When you have a gun in your hand.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
- Carlos.
You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.
What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?
Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
Johnny Depp, Michael Jackson, and Marilyn Manson all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Why don't you take a seat, right over there?" Turns out the bartender was Chris Hansen himself.
How do emos propose?
"Would you like to join my family tree?"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
(This is a fucked up pick up line). Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11.
Bully: "Nobody loves you."
Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."