In order to get $355 million for his civil fraud case, Donald Trump desperately needed to fundraise. So, in every Republican Party event, he will serve the Patriotic Trump Dog! It consists of an 80-year-old sausage inside a 10-year-old cream bun, topped with Russian dressing.
Trump does have the best people, doesn't he?
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"
"Come on, man, give the orphans a break with these jokes."
"No, not until their parents pick them up."
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.
What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “what do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed. Most women can’t pull off sarcasm
On Xbox live an orphan can say they f ed your mom so you can say at least mine didnt die from it.
Kid: Mom, what's dark humor?
Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.
Kid: But, mom, I'm blind!
Mom: Exactly.
Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.
Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Isn't Gwen the most thoughtful person?
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
Mum: if your friend jumped of a cliff would you Me: oh yeah no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first
It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.
I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"
What type of people think rape jokes are funny?
Only the coolest people in the world! I fucking love you guys 😂
People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.
James Woods, starring in the newest movie: "September 11, two thousand fun."
