You jokes

You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."

My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I answered, "Happy."

The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.

I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.

How do emos propose?

"Would you like to join my family tree?"

Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?

Boyfriend: You're both!

Girlfriend: What do you mean by that?

Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly!!!

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!

Son: Dad, why did you name my sister Paris?

Dad: Because she was made there.

Son: Thanks, Dad.

Dad: You're welcome, Backseat.

A kid walks in late to class. The teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." Another kid walks in late to class, and the teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." The last kid walks in and the teacher says, "Why are you late?...and why are you wet?" and the kid says back, "Remember, my name is Pebbles!!"

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.

He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."

He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."

Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

God creating spiders.

God: "Make it have 8 legs." Angel: "Ok? Bit excessive but ok." God: "And 8 eyes." Angel: "You need to calm down and li-" God: "Give it a butt rope!"

(This is a fucked up pick up line). Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11.

You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

What do you call a white man surrounded by black men? Coach.

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.

What do you say after committing incest?

No Chromo!

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?

Neither has he.