You jokes

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.

A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.

Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"

Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?

Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?

Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Crush: "How much do you love me?"

Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."

Crush: "But it's morning."

Me: "Exactly."

Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No, he hasn't either.

If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?

European.

What are you on your way to the bathroom?

Russian.

ok this isn't a joke but it's funny.

Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, It's not what you think, it's a lipton tea bag.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Who do you think is the fastest reader? Incorrect. It's 9/11. It went through 100 stories in 2 seconds.

Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind?

If a man says you’re ugly, he likes you.

If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s just jealous.

If a child says you’re ugly, well, you’re ugly.

What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?

Alien vs Predator.

What is the difference between a man performing anilingus on a woman and a man performing cunnilingus on a woman?

If a man is performing anilingus on a woman, it is not classified as heterosexual sodomy, you fucking idiot!!!!!

Did you hear about Johnny Depp's shelter for abused women? It's going as well as Michael Jackson's children's hospital!

What is the difference between an orphan and Pikachu?

"Pikachu, I choose you!"

A teacher asked his students a math question.

"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"

After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.

"One dollar!" she said.

What do you get from a dwarf cow?

Condensed milk.

What do you call a train with bubble gum?

A chew chew train.

Oh man, I'm depressed.

What do you call depressed Sesame Street?

Emo's World.

When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.