You jokes

when you don't have a phone to play Fruit Ninja and improvise.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalottapuss.

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal; its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

What do you call an autistic kid with a gun? Special Forces.

A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad?

Liam: I like you both.

Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to paris.

Mother: That's means you like dad more.

Liam: No, its because i like paris.

Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to America.

Mother: Why?

Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.

What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?

Guardian of the confessional booth.

Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same.

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

Look in the mirror. There's a joke for you.

These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?

What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?

Splattered.

What do you call the penises of gay men that are in wheelchairs?

Meals on wheels 😋😍🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭

Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: Why? Friend: I'm color blind.

Did you know when scientists discovered atoms could split, it blew them all away?

What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who smokes weed?

A baked potato.