You jokes

I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.

I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?

What do you call a person with no arms?

Armless.

No, it's harmless.

What part of a vegetable can you not eat?

The wheelchair.

Have you ever seen a blind man swim?

Neither has he.

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

How do you make a blind person jealous? You ask if it's a nice day out.

What did Gandalf say to Mario? "You shall not pass!"

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

What do you call a pineapple in a pun?

A Puneapple.

I say hi to Sans. Sans shows his hand and says, "It's hand to meet you," and we both laugh.

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

What’s the speed limit in bed?

It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philipe Philope.

I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!

Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?

What do you say to a depressed special kid?

“Why so down?”

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."

What do you call an Indian lesbian?

Mingeeta.

Dad: What did you learn in school today?

Timmy: Not enough, I guess, 'cause I gotta go back tomorrow.