You jokes

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."

The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says.

The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

Do you like pudding? Pudding deez nuts in your mouth!

What do you call a Pirate Pokemon?

Arrrrrr-ceus!

What does a mother fear most?

Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

What do you do with a dead chemist?

You Ni-tro-gen!

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

How do you know if spaghetti is a boy or a girl? It's meatballs.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

I rate you a 9/11.

Two cows are grazing in a field.

One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"

The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

So if you are bored, punch an orphan.

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?🙄🙄

Dad: Here you go son, all your toys have gone to the orphanage.

Son: Why, Dad?

Dad: You would be bored there if there was not anything to do.

Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Do you know Candice?

Nope.

Candice dick fit in your mouth.

Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.