You jokes

What do you do after fucking the loosest pussy ever?

Close the casket.

No matter how lonely you get, you have Explain Bear.

Explain Bear is always there for you.

What's the difference between Putin and Hitler? I don’t know, you tell me.

Did you hear about the tourist that came to New York? Good, because they were a terrorist... When they were asked why they were traveling, they just mispronounced it.

Did you know toilets, while you're at work, eat your toilet paper?

"My sister said she was the only smart one in the class."

"What about the teacher you learn *from*?"

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

You know that feeling when you're going through a school parking lot and go over a speed bump, then you realize that there are no speed bumps?

What do you say to a depressed person?

"I like ya cut, G."

Why can't you play with a cheetah?

Because they are cheat-ahs!

I would tell a pussy joke, but you would never get it.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?

Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.

High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.

Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.

High school crush: Who is it?

Me: You.

Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)

Me: Fuck that.

What do you call a Mexican without a car?

Carlos.

Who do you ask to wipe you? Your butler!

When you have to fight an emo kid, but he brings his friends, so you gotta fight the Suicide Squad. But you gotta get the boys to help you.

Did you know Helen had a playhouse in her backyard? Neither did she!

You know a baby bottle looks kinda like a penis... Also sausage and hotdogs too.

POV: You walk up to your short friend and say, "How is the weather down there?"

Have you learned SoDN in chemistry? It's so hard.

What's SoDN?

Suck on deez nuts.