You Jokes

What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

Their face when you nail them!

What do you call someone smart and dead?

Stephen Hawking...

What do you call a German man who can't see?

A not see.

One day, the fat kid came up to me and asked me, "What's cracking?" The floorboards, you idiot. You're causing a 9.7 Richter scale earthquake and asking ME what's cracking. It would be best if you looked down for a second.

Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.

A white cat with black spots is in focus, staring at the viewer. The text on the image reads: "I HATE WHEN WEBSITES ASK: "ARE YOU A HUMAN?" LIKE NO, I'M A DINOSAUR THAT FORGOT TO DIE 100 MILLION YEARS AGO"

What do you call a group of depressed kids?

The suicide squad.

Do you guys know how to make a hoe in Minecraft?

You pick it up off the street.

What do you call a horse rider with Down syndrome?

Down Quijote.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waste of time.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? -- Tequila Mockingbird.

When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.

What do you call a fish with no eye?

A ffsshh.

How do you sink an American battleship?

Have the French build it.

What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.

How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?

Calculator!

POV: You liked this joke because you're straight.

A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.

One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."

Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."

Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"

All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"

The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman, slightly annoyed, gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.