You jokes

I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

Roses are red, violets are blue, I only do anal, I thought you knew.

What do you call a group of depressed kids?

The suicide squad.

What do you tell a dead metal fan?

Rust in peace.

Why do you never play a game of cards in the jungle? Because there are cheetahs!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

Before Marriage Boy: At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No, don't even think about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy😍

After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.

How do you get a clown to stop smiling?

You shoot him in the face.

How do you make a dead baby float?

1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.

Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.

The police: You finally figured it out.

How would you best describe prostate cancer?

Well, it is somewhere between a dick and an asshole!

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it.

How do you stop a MeToo feminazi from telling the world about being raped? Easy: just rape her mouth shut.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "Yes," and lifted up her dress. Then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

What do you call a Russian prostitute? Slobadown Mycockyoubitch.

What game hurts you the more stages you survive?

Cancer.

What do you call a sad, depressed artist? Anything but "Cows of Woe".

How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?

Calculator!

I am throwing a party in space. Can you help me planet?