You jokes
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, there's always someone who's better than you.
What do you say to a guy with Down syndrome who’s on top of a sky scraper? "Jump!"
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
You're so skinny that you use Chapstick as deodorant.
Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
What do you call Stephen Hawking in a burning building?
Hot Wheels.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
Why can't orphans go on game shows?
You need a family member.
What do you call an owl with armor?
A Knight Owl!
What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair.
What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
Why can you slap an orphan?
Are they going to tell mommy?
How do you know a cannibal picnic is over?
Everyone's eaten.
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
Russia and Ukraine are running a marathon. Who do you think won? Russia did. Russia gave Ukraine a migraine.
What do you call a black person with a gun? Black ops.
*School shooting happens.*
Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk.*
American student: "First time?"
Foreign exchange student: "Yeah, you?"
American student: "Hahaha. No, not my first time."
What's the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.