You jokes
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
Sister: You're adopted.
Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(
Russia and Ukraine are running a marathon. Who do you think won? Russia did. Russia gave Ukraine a migraine.
What does a piece of gum and a gun have in common?
You pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
What's the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Comebacks when someone say: Bully: "Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic." Say: "At least its brighter than your future."
how do you cut of a hillbilly's dick?
kick his sister in the jaw
Do you know how a dragon is? You don't know who? It's dragging these 2-liter balls across your pathetic face and slamming it into a f*cking dumpster you regret.
You can't be short and depressed because you are compressed.
When the school shooter breaks into the classroom, and you look at your friend because it's the kid you predicted.
REALLY CRAPPY JOKE ALERT!!! Oh Quin, how was eating that tight butt? Must be nasty. I heard you met from rear ending him.
Man walks into a bar and sees a bear serving drinks... Sits down looking astonished. The bear says, "what's the matter you never saw a bear serving drinks?" The man says, "it's not that, I just never thought the moose would sell the place."
I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."
What do you call pasta that’s made by a skeleton? A CREEPYpasta! (It’s my first one, lol)
What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.
A girl walked into a job interview. The interviewer said, "You are what we are looking for, but I need to test your skills." He hands her a pen. He said, "Sell me this pen." She puts it between her boobs.
A couple is on their first date.
Man: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.
The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.
An old lady walks into an adoption center, and the lady that runs the business says, "Oh, haven’t seen you in a long time!"
Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.