Retail jokes

What's the benefit of taking a depressed kid to the store?

Scan the wrist and you might get a discount.

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.

If I went to Walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they're barcodes too.

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?

Little boys' pants half off.

People think Kelly Clarkson shops at Wal-Mart because she's a sloppy redneck. No, it's because toddlers' pants are 75% off everyday!

What do K-mart and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both have boys' pants half off.

What’s the similarity between peas from Tesco and emos?

They both have barcodes.

Why did Michael Jackson rush to Walmart?

He heard boys' pants were half off!

In Syria, there are no Walmarts, only Targets.

Today, I spotted Johnny Depp on the clearance rack at Kmart. Kmart is currently trying to clear its inventory of wife-beaters.

An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."

Your mom's so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices!

Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!

I was gobsmacked when I encountered the Jacko special at a Bunnings sausage sizzle. A 40-year-old sausage on 7-year-old white bread.

Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?

Alfred: Why?

Me: because I'm worthless... =)

What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.

I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.

Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in Mattress World and slept on the floor.

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."