You jokes
What do you call a racist crow?
Jim.
Two cannibals have just captured a man and are about to eat him, so they cook him and lay him on a table. The first cannibal says, "You start at the bottom, I start at the top," so they both chow down.
About half an hour later, the second cannibal says, "I'm having a ball!" Then the first cannibal says, "Then you're eating too fast!"
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
China has a population of a billion people. One billion.
That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.
The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"
The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"
are you serious right neow
What do you call an African American pilot?
A pilot, you racist bastard!
The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.
The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
How is being gay like a geology class? You can lick all the rocks you want.
Wanna hear a funny joke? Well, that was why you were here... Here's the joke: Your life :)
What do you call a frozen communist?
Hammer and popsicle.
A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."
what do you call a drunken sailer?
arrested.
what do you call a shadow stalker REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You can hide your own Easter eggs!!
Sans: Zzzzzzzz
Papyus: SANS WAKE UP!!
Sans: What is it dude?
Papyus: A human has fallen from the surface world!
Sans: And you gotta BONE to pick with 'em??
Papyus: Grrrrr....
Sans: Oh come on that was a real RIBTICKLER.
I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...
What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?
Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.
What do you call an ex eating Taco Bell?
Explosion.
Did you know penguins can actually fly if thrown hard enough... Just like children.