You jokes
The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.
The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
How is being gay like a geology class? You can lick all the rocks you want.
What do you call a Russian man with three balls?
'Whodya nikabollokov'
Is Google a male or female?
Female because it doesn’t let you finish your sentences before making a suggestion.
Why is vegetable soup hard to cook? Because you can't fit the wheelchair in!
Did you know penguins can actually fly if thrown hard enough... Just like children.
What do you call an ex eating Taco Bell?
Explosion.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?
Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.
What do you do when you see a kid alone? You beat them up and say, "It was self-defense!"
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pal of water. Me: incorrect, two pals of water, one to refresh from running up a hill and the one you went to get. I’m sick af from these stories.
What’s the difference between you and Jesus? We know who Jesus’s dad was.
Wanna hear a funny joke? Well, that was why you were here... Here's the joke: Your life :)
I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...
What do you call a mouse that doesn't like being known about?
Anonymouse.
What do you call a frozen communist?
Hammer and popsicle.
what do you call a drunken sailer?
arrested.
A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."
what do you call a shadow stalker REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE