When jokes

When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?

The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.

Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?

To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.

What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?

One of them is really loud when you iron it.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

What's the same with shoes and slaves?

When they get loose, you tie them up.

Yo mama's so dumb, when a robber stole her TV, she said, "You forgot the remote!"

yo mama so fat, when she stepped on the scale it told her "I wanted your weight not your phone number."

I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"

When you forget the pinata at the birthday party. The kids: "Aww man." But the emo kid just hung himself. Kids: "Yaaaaayyy." Parents: "Adjust, improvise, overcome, that is the way."

I actually think Paul Walker was a good man, he did not deserve to be burned alive.

He had a change of race tho when he died.

When I was your age, we had Wacko Jacko, not Florida Man.

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.

What 7 letters do you say when you open the fridge and see it’s empty?

O I C U R M T

When the quiet kid has an argument with the school shooter, and you didn't get to pull out the AK.

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

What do you call it when a man is scared in Panera Bread?

Panera dread.

Where does the orphan go when he's done with school? To the cemetery.