When jokes

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

It's telling that Ye gets more offended when he's called a gayfish than a Nazi.

Alzheimer's protesters march chanting. "What do we want? Better treatment... When do we want it? ...Want what?"

What did the processor say when it was being overclocked?

"Stop it! It hertz so much!"

What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?

The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

Where does the orphan go when he's done with school? To the cemetery.

If you were driving when all of a sudden a young kid and an old man run right in front of you, what do you hit?

The brakes, you sick bastard.

What do you call it when a man is scared in Panera Bread?

Panera dread.

I actually think Paul Walker was a good man, he did not deserve to be burned alive.

He had a change of race tho when he died.

When I was your age, we had Wacko Jacko, not Florida Man.

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I was crying when Sasha died in AOT, I also got jealous.

What happens when Rick Astley is getting an erection whilst singing "Never Gonna Give You Up"?

You get PRICKrolled.

What did the short Chinese man say when he was called a dwarf? "Da fok yu sai tu meee."

What 7 letters do you say when you open the fridge and see it’s empty?

O I C U R M T

When the quiet kid has an argument with the school shooter, and you didn't get to pull out the AK.

People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.