When jokes

I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.

Why did Hellen hate when her dad yelled at her?

Oh wait, she didn’t know! 🤣🤣

If I went out with a dwarf, when I pick them up, I'll say, "Wassup short?"

You're so hot when your girlfriend tries to suck your cock, it burns her mouth.

What do Call of Duty players say when they shoot up a school?

654-721-8940

(If you understand the joke, you're a god.)

Why did your dad FUCKING LEAVE YOU? He went to suck balls.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

George, when I saw your face, I had to shoot you with a Nerf gun. If you died, wimp.

You're so fat that when you got on the scales, they said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

I hate it when people think I'm a boy because I have short hair. I mean, I'm gay, what do you expect?

When the school shooter finds you under the table,

"Wonderful weather we're having!"

When the school shooter kills five people, and the autistic kid yells, "Heroes never die!"

What time is it when you get home and you can't walk?

Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.

Sister: No, I won't stop.

Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.

Sister: What? You will see when I post it.

Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?

Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.

What did Harry Houdini say when he did his famous vanishing act at a sushi place?

"Now sashimi, now you don't!"

When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!

What happens when a sink on the Titanic overflows?

It sinks it.

Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "

". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"

Divorce is scheduled for next month.

What time is it when you smell garbage? Time to run!

Yo mama so old, on her birth certificate it said "expired."

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittles popped out.

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.

Yo mama so poor, she chases a garbage truck with a shopping list.

Yo mama so ugly, she made the devil go to church.

A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.

The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.

Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!