When jokes

I dated a German girl, it was very annoying when she kept on screaming her age and moaning.

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in some laundry...

Yo mama is so ugly, when she went for plastic surgery, they accidentally gave her face a Brazilian Butt Lift!

When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

Yo, Leo, are you an interior decorator? Because when you enter a room, it becomes EMPTY!

Do you know why they call me battery saver?

I get turned on when it’s below 10%.

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.

How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

With a taste test.

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

What do you get when you cross cow DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

Why the hell would I go to a shooting range when I could go to school and do it for free?

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

Why do people hit their electronics when they don’t work?

You keep the tradition of hitting black things.

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.

I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

Everyone becomes happy when they complete the last stage of the game.

But the cancer patients aren't.

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.