When jokes
Your mama is so far that when she told a joke, no one was laughing, but the floor was literally cracking up.
What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?
... A boner.
Yesterday, my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that, you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try!"
One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!
When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romanticizing their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.
Then you know they're faking depression. 🙂
If you know it, you know it.
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
What do you get when you cross a Muslim in a trench coat and a duffel bag?
A sad news story.
I have a riddle for you:
10 people are on a boat, but they all die due to a tsunami except the captain.
Then, when he gets home, his wife serves him “penguin meat.”
Once he eats it, he starts crying.
Why?
I've been doing sex moves on myself so I can be ready when I have sex, and by far the funniest thing to do is finger my butt. I go 2 handed sometimes.
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
"Yo mama so fat when she got buried it took them all the trees on Earth for her coffin."
I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.
What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking you.
Me when the your, uh, uhhhh, when your me when the your, uhhh, uhhhhh, mom.
Your mom's so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices!
Why did the orphan kill himself when he found out who his dad was? Because he found out his dad was Donald Trump.
Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...
His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...
It's embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down. Luckily, the supermarket is just around the corner.