When jokes

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.

What is it called when an orphan takes a family photo?

A selfie.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

What was the pedophile charged with when he was arrested? A minor offense.

What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?

You get a milkshake!

When you go to an orphanage for a field trip: When the workers said, "I remember you as a kid."

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."

Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?

Because it's 90 degrees.

Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded?

Everywhere.

What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"

Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?

Me: Oh, I wan-

Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.

Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.