When jokes

That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.

Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.

Your hairline goes all the way back to when Burger King was a Burger Prince.

What is it called when an orphan takes a family photo?

A selfie.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

What happens when an asian with an erection bumps into a wall? he breaks his nose

What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?

You get a milkshake!

What was the pedophile charged with when he was arrested? A minor offense.

When you go to an orphanage for a field trip: When the workers said, "I remember you as a kid."

Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?

Because it's 90 degrees.

Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded?

Everywhere.

What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?

Me: Oh, I wan-

Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.

Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.