When jokes

The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.

An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.

"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."

Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.

The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.

The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

A guy walks into a magical forest looking to cut down a tree. The best one he can find is a magical talking tree. He holds his axe up ready to slice and begins to swing when the tree says, "Stop! I'm a magical tree. You can't cut me." "I'm a magical tree!" the man mocks, then as he goes to swing the axe he says, "You may be a magical tree... But you will dialogue!"

What does a spy do when he's cold?

He goes under cover.

A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."

What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance.

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.

When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."

The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"No, I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"

"Round the corner picking up shit."

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: You can't find your dog.

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?

Babies can spread a nasty smell,

especially when you haven't fed them for a month.

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.

When I saw a girl sitting on the ground crying, I asked her where her parents were. She cried louder. That’s why I like to volunteer in an orphanage.

Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf?

When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice...

When Steven Hawking realizes heaven is only a stairway away.

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."

When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.

I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.