When jokes
I was trying to hang the lights when I accidentally kicked the chair.
Don't hate life, love it because when you want to live and try again in life, it's already too late. :(
Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in some laundry.
Yo mama so fat, when she ran... oh wait never mind.
Say this when showing this website to someone: "You know, it's too bad this website doesn't have a homepage."
How does Stephen Hawking compete in the hurdles?
He ducks when he gets to them.
What did the fat guy say when he fell off the ladder? "Catch me!"
You know you have twisted humor when you crack a smile when a Minecraft farmer says he separates the white sheep from the colored ones.
Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it goes to get the milk yet never comes back.
Miss you dad.
So, I got a paper towel roll, ripped it, but started to fart when I ripped it off, and stopped farting when I got it off the roll, and then I said, "I guess that's why it's called ripping one!"
Why do I call my priest daddy?
Because he raped my mom when she was 13. She's 27 now.
I thought that kid was walking cool when I had my ears shut. It turns out he was moaning.
What do you call it when you are very sad in Panera Bread?
Panera Dread.
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
Your mama is so fat that when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the concrete cracked up.
What makes a skeleton laugh?
When you tickle his funny bone with a skele-TON of jokes!
Heh.
A boy asked his dad for some money to buy an ice cream with, so he went to an ice cream van. Whilst he was in the queue, two boys asked him what flavor he was getting. He told them "strawberry." The two boys were shocked and beat him up. The ice cream man felt bad and gave him his strawberry ice cream for free.
When he got home, his dad also asked what flavor he bought. The boy said "strawberry." His dad then kicked him out of the house. The boy, confused, walked down the street and was stopped by the police, who were looking for a boy who had been eating strawberry ice cream. The boy said, "That's me," and the policeman arrested him.
A week later in court, the boy was on trial. The judge asked, "Can you tell me what were you doing on the fifth of May?" (the day he was arrested) The boy said, "I was eating ice cream." The judge decided he was innocent. On the way out, the judge asked him what the flavor was (he had forgotten to ask during the trial). Of course, he answered with "strawberry." The judge, horrified, realized he had given the wrong verdict and the boy should have been executed. Unfortunately, he couldn't change what had happened, so the boy walked out and crossed the road but was hit by a car and died.
The moral of the story is look left and right before crossing the road.
You know that feeling when you're going through a school parking lot and go over a speed bump, then you realize that there are no speed bumps?