When jokes

When you realize you forgot to mop your room, you hear footsteps.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:

"Looks like I am going back to the future!"

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

Did the people of England see a "game over" sign in the sky when the queen died?

When you meet your gf at the family reunion.

I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.

Onions was such a good dog!

What did 50 do when he was hungry?

58.

Where did Sally go when the explosion happened?

Everywhere!

Q: What is it called when a hoe is getting ready for her party but doesn't know what to wear but is thinking about it? A: A thotprosses

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."