My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...
When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What sort of file turns a one inch hole into a two inch hole?
A pedophile.
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2
-Harpoon it.
Roses are red. Walls are made of plaster. Schoolchildren can move fast, But bullets can move faster.
How do you blow up an Indian person?
You press the red button.
What's a school shooter's favorite flower?
Columbine.
A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."
If you're ever bored, just rape an orphan! What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
How many fingers am I holding up?
Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.
I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.
There are people who are beautiful, and then there are people whom I won't rape.
I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.
What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.
I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.
I usually don’t make school shooting jokes.
Because they’re aimed at a younger audience.
What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?
Do you want to hang later?
When the school shooter knocks on the classroom door, and the autistic kid opens it.
