Violence jokes

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?

There, there, over there, and over here too.

How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it, then light it on fire and it will go "WOOF!"

How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Put it in the deep freeze until frozen solid, then run it through an electric saw and it will go "MMMRROWWWWWW!"

I beat up a failed musician until he started crying.

I thought a few hits would cheer him up!

Why did the suicide bomber get promoted?

Because he was blowing up at work. 💀😈

"I will kill you with knife and gun, get ready, Explain Bear, stupid f***."

Did you hear about the Syrian guy that shot a bunch of people? He was Robert Kurd.

Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were younger?

Well, Bubbles is back in town and was asking about you!

How does a terrorist feed their kids?

"Here comes the airplane."

A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."

Teacher: Tell me a moral story.

Little Johnny: Once my grandfather was in WW2. He saw everyone praising to kill him. For example, we should sneak up and kill him. We get the helicopter above and shoot him from there. My grandfather heard this, he got his gun and shot them all.

Teacher: What is the moral even?

Little Johnny: Never plan to kill my grandfather.

Why did Arnold throw his clock out of the window?

It reminded him of Richard Clocks, a man convicted for knife raping his wife.

What did Saskia say to Brandon?

Saskia: "Can you rape me like you did Sydney?"

My dad raped my mom, now I have a brother.

Why did the clown stop smiling?

Someone chopped his lips off.

I saw a man trying to rape a dog. I decided to help. The dog can't stand a chance against the both of us.

Two boys were playing cards on a picnic table outside the school. Both of the boys had revolvers hidden in their waistband.

Now, one of the boys was a notorious cheater, who liked to hide his cards in his waistband. Recess was just about to end, when all the kids heard a loud bang erupt from the picnic table. In tears, the card player admitted that he had shot the other card player, stating "I played a King, and he started reaching for his waistband!"

So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"

She said, "Sniff, yes."

The poacher agrees but says that his assistant is ill and will need the man to come with him in his assistant's place. The man agrees, and so the poacher goes out to the jungle with the man.

The poacher brings a pair of handcuffs, a long stick, a shotgun, and a dog. They search through the jungle for about an hour and then spot a male gorilla above in the treetops.

The man asks the poacher what the plan is. The poacher replies, "I'm going to climb the tree and, when I get close enough, I'm going to start poking the gorilla with the stick until it falls out of the tree.

The dog is a specially trained dog. When the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog will try to bite off the gorilla's balls. When the gorilla moves its hands to protect its balls, you put the handcuffs on it."

This all seems to make sense to the man, but he has one question. "What is the shotgun for?" he asks the poacher. The poacher responds: "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

You set it on fire; then it goes, "WOOF!"