Violence jokes

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender? An extraction.

"Um, honey, I'm glad you're done, but um, WHO KICKED OUR BABY'S ASS?! I'M PRETTY SURE FACES DON'T BEND THAT WAY!!"

Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?

A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.

How do you get 50 babies into a car?

You blend them.

I learned that a strangler was targeting me.

All I could think was, "You’ve got to be choking me!"

What's the best part about beating up an orphan?

They can't tell their parents.

A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.

What turns green to red in a flick of a switch?

A frog in a blender.

What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

What kind of punch takes out 20 children and 8 adults? A Sandy Hook.

Why do you need an AR-15?

So my son can use it if he's being bullied at school.

Shout out to the terrorists, your year is starting off with a bang!

Roses are red, violets are not lime, if you turn around, I will fist you anytime.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

Because he got fired!

Sonic says if you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

If you're having a bad day, just slap an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

Q: What's black and white and red all over?

A: The U.S. in 1919!

Why did McDonald’s kill somebody because they stole the 12-piece nuggets that will never be seen because of them!

A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."