Violence jokes

How do you get a baby to stop crying?

Simple... you staple its mouth shut.

One day I was walking along the street and I found some caution tape... Just sitting there torn up... Beat up, and you could barely unravel it anymore because I would just burst into shreds... It kinda reminded me of what happened to my sister's killer... They still haven’t found him yet... I’m really good at hide and seek!

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.

To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."

He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.

A father and a son were painting pictures together. The son and father were drawing the exact same thing to a T, and the son said, "What happened to your hand?" looking at the scar tissue near the father's knuckle. The father replied with, "You know what happened, you were there." The son continues to deny this until they both finish their paintings. They're exactly the same.

The father passes out for a few hours and wakes up to find that there's only one painting.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?

A baby in the microwave.

Q: What's black and white and red all over?

A: A nun falling down the stairs.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the car.

If you wanna hit somebody, hit an orphan, what are they gonna do... tell their parents?

My sister said, "Daddy can you pass the salt?" So I raped her.

What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

My dick while I'm doing it.

What's red and white and lives in a blender?

A baby.

The school shooter when the cops show up be like:

"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."

A penis has a bad life. His neighbor is an asshole, his friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.

What is white, black, and red and can't fit through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head!

What's black, blue, and red, laying in a ditch?

You after you disrespect me.

My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"

So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

What is worse: 10 babies stapled to 1 tree, or 1 baby stapled to ten trees?

What's Adam's biggest fear?

Andy with a belt.