Use jokes
What do British politics and transgender people have in common?
Both aren't what they used to be...
My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"
Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.
I met a fat chick at the beach.
People started asking me what I use for bait, or do you want us to help throw the whale back in the water?
This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"
Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?
So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.
You know you are from China when you use rice instead of glue.
How do rappers stay cool?
They use RAP-SICLES.
Leo is as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
What do you white people use as pronouns?
Crack/her.
We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Biden, no cash, and no hope.
"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?
Nothing, they both use the Force to get what they want.
Long time since I made a joke, huh? I used a Time Machine to make this one.
A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.
What does a depressed kid who loves geometry use to kill themself?
A hypoteNUSE!
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."
"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.
After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."
I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.
He said the ATM outside.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Women: “Men used to go to war, now they go to clubs.”
Men: “Women used to fear their nudes getting leaked, now it’s $3.99.”