Usage jokes

What do people use more than you that is yours?

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using the computer?

There is sperm on the computer screen.

How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using a computer?

There is sperm on the screen.

What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?

They have both had a few strokes.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Speak in AAVE, Mr. Bear...

Pool testing 123.

Why download Fruit Ninja when you have your arm?

Mom! (DYM 3)

Why can't Asian people use a telephone?

Because they might wing the wrong number.

Please stop using this thread. It is cancer.