Ups jokes

I gave up my seat to blind lady because she couldn't find any--let's just say I lost my job as a bus driver.

"He scratched his face up, detective. That did it."

"Did I do that?"

Yo man, stand up.

*short person stands*

No, seriously man, stand up!

What does lmao launching missiles at orphanage mean?

I don't know, but it's messed up.

You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!

My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.

Why didn't Trump help someone who can't walk?

He thinks she should stand up for herself.

A cop pulls over an old man.

The cop walks up to the old man and says, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

The old man said, "No."

Remember kids if ur ever mad beat up an orphan what are they gonna do call their mom??

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."

Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"

Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!

Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!

Will: Yey!

Beverly: What should we bring him?

Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!

Yo mama so fat that Hannibal Lecter couldn't eat her up.

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

(Me) Hey bro, tell me a joke!

(My friend) Your mom. *Starts Laughing*

(Me) *Fakes laughs* *then points a gun at him*

At this moment, he knew he fucked up.

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"

The bartender replied: "A shotgun."

When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.

But you know you live alone.

One time my boyfriend and I were playing the tickle game and I tickled him on his thighs by accident, and I said, "Oh no, I am dead."

Then he started tickling me on my thighs up to my vagina, and then I moaned while laughing and told him, "STOP, please."

Then he said, "That's what I thought," and I was like, you cheated. He was like, "You first did it."

So he went to the restroom and pulled down his pants. Then I jumped on him and pulled his dick five times, and he screamed, and I quickly ran out and laughed. Then he ran to me, and I screamed, and he started eating my pussy and fingering me while I said, "Okay, okay, stop."

And he stopped and started sucking my boobs and giving me hickeys while I said, "Please stop," and then I pushed him off, and he turned me around and put his dick in my hole, and I said, "Owwwwwwww."

Then he said, "Play with me, I'll fuck you up."

I said, "Ughh," and slapped him.

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.