Ups jokes

A genealogist looks at the family tree.

A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Gay gang members don't do drive-bys, they do fruit roll-ups.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Your hairline is so jacked up even the barber couldn't fix it.

Don't give up on your dreams...

Keep sleeping.

He was in a fight, then a person said, "Stand up for yourself!"

Your hairline is so messed up, I thought a 2-year-old cut you up!

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

Why do you think after death the angel says do not be afraid?

Search up biblically accurate angels.

Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.

Doc: What's wrong with that?

Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.

Stephen was a mad role model. He never taught me to stand up for myself.

The Ruler of Varvona wanted a fruitcake, but his subjects showed up at his castle with a Christian instead.

And he said: "NO, NO, NO! YOU IMBECILES! NOT THAT KIND OF FRUITCAKE!"

I beat up a deaf kid the other day. I had to. He kept throwing up gang signs.

I don't call it arson. I call it warming up.

I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

But I got seven Up.

Gen Z is most likely going to be the last generation who felt the pain of getting up early to catch their favorite show.

Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?

Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!

What did the floor say to the ceiling?

"I look up to you."

Why is Stephen Hawking not scared of anyone?

His wheelchair always backs him up.

A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.

The next day, he could see only one color... black.