Ups jokes

What goes down but not up?

An emo.

Don't give up on your dreams...

Keep sleeping.

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

He was in a fight, then a person said, "Stand up for yourself!"

Why do you think after death the angel says do not be afraid?

Search up biblically accurate angels.

Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.

Doc: What's wrong with that?

Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.

Stephen was a mad role model. He never taught me to stand up for myself.

Suicide really isn't something to joke about, unless it's hanging yourself.

It's a really quicker way to die, and less blood spilled for your mother to clean up.

Your hairline is so messed up, I thought a 2-year-old cut you up!

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it’s too long."

Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it."

I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

But I got seven Up.

I don't call it arson. I call it warming up.

I beat up a deaf kid the other day. I had to. He kept throwing up gang signs.

What did the floor say to the ceiling?

"I look up to you."

Gen Z is most likely going to be the last generation who felt the pain of getting up early to catch their favorite show.

Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?

Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!

My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.

6 looks like someone facing up.

9 looks like someone facing down.

69 looks like 2 people sucking each other's dicks.

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.

A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old lady's house...

Old woman: Oh my! Goodness sakes, child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???

Child: Both.