Ups jokes

I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.

A girl walks up to her friend with sunglasses she missed very much.

She told her, "Hey, long time no see."

Your mama is so stupid she stayed up all night so she can get some sleep.

A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”

Yo mama so stupid that she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

We are in a matrix, wake up.

Everybody asks, "What's up?" but nobody asks, "What's down?"

Why do orphans never wake up in the morning? Their dad can’t wake them up.

A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."

I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.

Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.

Mexican words of the day: Green, Pink, and Yellow :))

The phone go green green... I pink it up and say YELLOW!!??

I wanted to put this up so I could say goodbye to everyone that I chatted with, like Gwen or MEG... So, yea, see you next year after Friday.

I'd mop the floor with your face, but you might just mess it up more.

The terrorists said over the intercom, "We're coming up to our destination, so we can't go over it, we can't go under, we have to go through it."

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.

Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.

Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?

Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.

Little Johnny asks a fireman, "Do you want to see my fire truck?"

So the fireman goes to look at it. Little Johnny tested it. "I got my hat in my fire truck."

So the fireman says, "Last night's alright, but why is it tied up to you wagging?" And he looks closer and sees the string is tied up in knots. He said, "That's nice all right, but why is it tied up to his nuts?"

The little Johnny said, "Well that's my son," and so he yanks on it.

The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!

What time is it when you say, "Wake up?"

It is morning.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."