Ups jokes

Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.

Doc: What's wrong with that?

Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.

Suicide really isn't something to joke about, unless it's hanging yourself.

It's a really quicker way to die, and less blood spilled for your mother to clean up.

What goes down but not up?

An emo.

I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

But I got seven Up.

I don't call it arson. I call it warming up.

I beat up a deaf kid the other day. I had to. He kept throwing up gang signs.

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it’s too long."

Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it."

My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........

IMAGINE!

I had a dream that I was destroying the world, and I blew up my house for fun. I woke up and couldn't find my pillow... nor the house.

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.

The next day, he could see only one color... black.

Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?

Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!

Why is Stephen Hawking not scared of anyone?

His wheelchair always backs him up.

Gen Z is most likely going to be the last generation who felt the pain of getting up early to catch their favorite show.

What did the floor say to the ceiling?

"I look up to you."

A young boy walked up to his dad and asked, "Daddy, why are you banned from coming to elementary school?"

The dad calmly replies, "Because that's how I met your mother."

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.

A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old lady's house...

Old woman: Oh my! Goodness sakes, child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???

Child: Both.

I'm really bored and I don't know what's up with Prince. He isn't talking to me.

And Freshfry, why are you so mean now?

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?