Ups

Ups jokes

Short jokes

    • All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea...

    Well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up.

    Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place.

    And then the sea cucumber, well, they... I mixed up.

    There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that...

    There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks.

    So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

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    • Girlfriend

    • My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.

    I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

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    • Rape

    • Me and my friends were having a party the other day when some bitch came bitching about the noise. Thankfully, she was hot and had a nice ass, so it was enjoyable raping her.

    The next day when I woke up, I found her body only half eaten. Her lower body was still intact, so I went for seconds to fuck off the hangover. Then I had breakfast. Her ass tasted good with some ketchup.

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    • Driver's License

    • Driver's License-By- watersharky Music Productions and Olivia Rodrigo-

    I got my driver's license last week Just like we always talked about 'Cause you were so excited for me To finally drive up to your house But today I drove through the suburbs Crying 'cause you weren't around And you're probably with that blonde girl Who always made me doubt She's so much older than me She's everything I'm insecure about Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs 'Cause how could I ever love someone else? And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street And all my friends are tired Of hearing how much I miss you, but I kinda feel sorry for them 'Cause they'll never know you the way that I do, yeah Today I drove through the suburbs And pictured I was driving home to you And I know we weren't perfect But I've never felt this way for no one, oh And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street Red lights, stop signs I still see your face in the white cars, front yards Can't drive past the places we used to go to 'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) Sidewalks we crossed I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing Over all the noise God, I'm so blue, know we're through But I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone 'Cause you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street...

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    • Ups memes

    Boob

    • What do boobs and toys have in common?

    Kids end up playing with toys, but adults end up playing with boobs.

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    • Job

    • Jimmy asks an elevator operator what he thinks of his job.

    The operator shrugs and says, "It has its ups and downs!"

    Day

    • One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

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    • Skeleton pun

    • I did so much research that I got bone-tired from doing this, tibia honest. You probably didn't find that humerus. I got a skeleton of these puns. I guess I could learn a femur puns. I was wondering if the creators of this site could talus how they come up with puns or maybe give some advice? I'm only 14 years old.

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    • Pattern

    • What comes next in the pattern, ottffs?

    S, because it represents numbers going up: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

    Cancer

    • Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.

    One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.

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    • Icup

    • Kalyn: Mrs. Frizzle,

    Mrs. Frizzle: Sure.

    Kalyn: Can you spell I-C-U-P for me?

    Mrs. Frizzle: Shut up, you little fucktard!

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