Ups Jokes

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

He never has a bad day because he always wakes up on both sides of the bed.

I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.

How do homeless people move where they're living?

They pick up their box and walk away.

Why can’t orphans pick up their phone after school?

Because they need their parents to go pick it up.

Skeletor tips

The image shows Skeletor in two panels. In the top panel, he's giving advice, "Start every phone call with 'my phone is about to die', then you can hang up whenever you want." In the bottom panel, he is walking away and the text says, "Skeletor will return with more introvert tips."

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

What's so special about Palestinian sex dolls?

They blow themselves up.

Gay gang members don't do drive-bys, they do fruit roll-ups.

Girls are like blackjack.

I always want 21 but end up hitting on 14.

You must be ice cream because I wanna lick you up.

A genealogist looks at the family tree.

A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

"A llahu Aks into a bar..."

And it blows up!

Anyone want to eat me up? I'm in that kind of mood right now.

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.

Papyrus: Sans, I have a joke. What do you call someone lazy and incompetent?

Sans: What do you call them?

Papyrus: YOU! NOW GET UP AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM, YOU LAZY BONES!

Why does an orphan go to a sewer?

So it can wash up.

A brother and sister were hanging out, and the brother was sad, so the sister asked why. The brother replies with, "I think I need to break up with you!"