Ups jokes

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.

A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old lady's house...

Old woman: Oh my! Goodness sakes, child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???

Child: Both.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........

IMAGINE!

My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

He never has a bad day because he always wakes up on both sides of the bed.

I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.

How do homeless people move where they're living?

They pick up their box and walk away.

Why can’t orphans pick up their phone after school?

Because they need their parents to go pick it up.

What's so special about Palestinian sex dolls?

They blow themselves up.

Gay gang members don't do drive-bys, they do fruit roll-ups.

Girls are like blackjack.

I always want 21 but end up hitting on 14.

You must be ice cream because I wanna lick you up.

A genealogist looks at the family tree.

A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

"A llahu Aks into a bar..."

And it blows up!

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.

Papyrus: Sans, I have a joke. What do you call someone lazy and incompetent?

Sans: What do you call them?

Papyrus: YOU! NOW GET UP AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM, YOU LAZY BONES!

Why does an orphan go to a sewer?

So it can wash up.