Buddy

Buddy jokes

Trick

    • When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

    Wife

    • "My wife is so crazy," said Beatem's McSmasher.

    "Why?" asked his buddy Don Caretomarch.

    "She's sitting on the front verandah packing my shit in boxes!"

    "You getting kicked out, bro?"

    "Yeah, all I did was break every plate in the house over her head. Some people have no sense of humor."

    "Is she one of them woke bitches?"

  • 1

    • Hunter

    • Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.

    His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"

    "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

  • 3
    • Buddy memes

    Orphan

    • The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

    He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

    I said, "Your parents, buddy."

  • 1

    • Friend

    • Two friends wanting to find out if their buddy was gay.

    The two walked up to their buddy and said, "Get down!" and he kneeled down.

  • 0

    • Saxophone

    • I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.

    Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(

  • 1

    • Caesar

    • When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”

  • 0

    • Loan

    • In response to a buddy saying they joined a golf club:

    "Jfc, you’ve gone softer than your old man’s dick after your mom suggests a romantic night in! I swear to God you’re so fucking bougie."

    (Pause)

    "Oh, I forgot to tell you, while you were gone I got a weird call for you... Some Jeff guy? Said something about a loan..."

    "Jeff who?"

    "Bezos."

  • 0

    • War

    • Hello Honey Bunches, it's me, Your Narrator. I was told by my buddy youthpartorryan he's in the middle of a war... I may be super wholesome but war against my buddy? Ho ho ho, no! A STORM IS COMING. #BestFriends

    Cocaine

    • You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.

  • 2

    • Nun

    • Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

    The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."

    The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"

    One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

  • 1

    • Song

    • Here's a Song That Describes My Old Life-By-watersharky Productions-

    My buddies think I'm on the lake.

    Boss thinks I've been sick for days.

    And mama's probably on her way

    'Cause I ain't picked up the phone.

    I've been a million places,

    But they're all up in my head.

    Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.

    I've been gone, I've been gone

    I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

    All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

    Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

    Sadder than a country song.

    Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

    Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.

    Took a trip down memory lane.

    Checked into hotel heartbreak.

    Passed rock bottom on the way

    Without leaving my living room.

    I've been a million places

    But they're all up in my head.

    Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.

    I've been gone, I've been gone

    I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

    All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

    Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

    Sadder than a country song.

    Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

    Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.

    Yeah

    I've been gone.

    All the clothes are on the floor

    All the mail's by the door

    All the whiskey bottles in my bed.

    All the dishes in the sink

    All the gas is in the tank

    All the neighbors probably think I'm dead.

    I've been gone, I've been gone

    I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

    All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

    Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

    Sadder than a country song.

    Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

    Ever since you moved on, I've been gone (ooh, ooh)

    I've been gone (ooh, ooh)

    Gone

    Hitler

    • So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.

  • 0