Ups jokes

Have you ever seen that weird ad that pops up at the bottom: sexy Russian babes looking for men older than 30, and they're 18, so is it a reverse pedo? Oh well.

Stick your head up someone's butt. What do you get? A Butthead!

"Get your butt out of my face!"

"Then get your face out of my butt!!!"

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Fishes.

Fishes who?

Fishes the police, come out with your hands up!

Two friends wanting to find out if their buddy was gay.

The two walked up to their buddy and said, "Get down!" and he kneeled down.

My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.

What bumps up and down at 100km an hour?

A baby tied to the back of a speeding truck.

What time do dogs wake up? At school is the time dogs wake up.

Hey Max, what's up? The sky.

China servers are up on Fortnite, yeah, check by there.

"China getting this dick in your mouth 😂"

A teacher walked up to me and said, "How did we get butt cracks?"

I was like 4, so I said, "You had an earthquake on your booty."

Bootylicious lol

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.

I once went up to an orphan and they were crying, and I asked where their parents are, and they started crying more.

Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.

Why can't Indians play football?

Every time they get a corner, they open up a shop. 🙉

Me: September is here!

[Labor Day comes]

Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”

A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."

There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."

There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."

There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."

Then it all happened.

The fly dropped six inches.

The fish came up and caught the fly.

The bear came out and caught the fish.

The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.

The mouse went for the sandwich.

The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.

The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

Not to be rude or anything, but I'm not adopted. My boyfriend is, and some of these are really mean because sometimes their parents give them up just because they're ugly or just because of their skin color. We should stop making fun of them, and yes, I do giggle sometimes, but they can be really hurtful sometimes.

So, one day I walk up to my sister and tell her that she is adopted because she doesn't look like anyone in the family. She starts to cry. My mom asks why she's crying, and I say I told her she was adopted and I was there for the adoption, and we have papers. It was all a lie. She is not adopted, and everything is fine.

How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.