Ups jokes

Why can't women just shut the fuck up! I hate women. They need to know their place and stay in the kitchen and be baby makers...

What holds the sun ☀️ up in the sky?

Sunbeams.

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"

Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?

Me: Look at the stars in the sky.

Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?

Me: No, it’s a waste of time.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.

Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.

Hey any riding with Biden fans out there?

I ran out of gas and could really use a ride so if one of ya'll can call me and pick me up that'd be great and I can't get gas because I only have 20 bucks which is like 1-5 and a half, help me please.

Little Johnny woke up at midnight on Christmas Eve to Santa with his pants down on top of his mom. He then said, "Ho ho OH YEAH!!!"

When you see someone with a double chin that’s sad:

Hey come on, man, keep your chin up. Wait, which one?

A retarded kid sees a murderer chopping up his latest victim with a saw. The retarded kid yells, "Seesaw!" because he sees a saw.

A B C D E F G.

Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!

One knight, a king, and a queen went fishing. They each caught one fish, so how did three fish end up in the bucket?

One "knight"!!!

Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?

Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.

Kalyn: Mrs. Frizzle,

Mrs. Frizzle: Sure.

Kalyn: Can you spell I-C-U-P for me?

Mrs. Frizzle: Shut up, you little fucktard!

Why can't orphans sign up for sports?

They have to have a parent's signature.

I drew a picture of Colby.

Too bad it got ripped up 😢

A guy was annoyed in a store. I walk up to him and said, "What's wrong, buddy? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned isle!"

"Harry Hicks smells of home. Homo is an infection, and infections are made up of atoms."

Donibobes is an owl. (hehe look up donibobes YT!)

What goes up but never past the digits 15?

A Make-A-Wish kid...

What goes up but never comes down?

Water in Australia.