Ups jokes

What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

What goes up but never comes down?

Water in Australia.

I put my leg up in the air sometimes, singing ayo, I'm a flamingo...

Why can't orphans sign up for sports?

They have to have a parent's signature.

The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?

What's the fastest way to Shepherd's Bush?

Up Shepherd's leg.

When did I wake up?

At the quack of dawn!

A guy was annoyed in a store. I walk up to him and said, "What's wrong, buddy? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned isle!"

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

I drew a picture of Colby.

Too bad it got ripped up 😢

"Harry Hicks smells of home. Homo is an infection, and infections are made up of atoms."

The parents used to hit him.

His parents got into a car crash and died.

He became an orphan in an orphanage. The people there hit him. He looked up and said "Parents?"

What holds the sun ☀️ up in the sky?

Sunbeams.

Why can't women just shut the fuck up! I hate women. They need to know their place and stay in the kitchen and be baby makers...

Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"

Why is Donald Trump under so much stress?

Because he signed up to be on an album where somebody says "no love for the rich" on it.

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.