Ups jokes

Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!

Hairline is so far up, Patrick Mahomes can't even sell to a wide receiver.

Your hairline's so far up, they call it a skyline!

Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.

I mean, he just blew up overnight!

I saw a girl with blond hair. She was sexy and beautiful. I thought she was the most hottest girl I ever saw, so I ran up to her feeling hot.

So, one day Kylin Banks was playing football. Then he saw Violet. After he saw her, he got bricked up. Then he ran after her and rubbed his pickle all over her. She was so happy.

When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.

Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.

My wife is so fat. She jumped up in the air and got stuck.

There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.

When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.

The doctor said, "You're all right now."

Your sister is so short, she needs to roll up her panties.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

Because he got fired!

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."

I’m gonna put my AR 15 up your fucking ass and pull the trigger!

My orphan terrorist friend is on TV... I think he blew up.

Your hairline pushed back lookin' like you got slapped up by Will Smith.

Did you hear that oxygen and magnesium hooked up last night?

OMg!

So a kid was hanging out with his mom and this man comes up to him and said, "Hi, I'm your new dad." The kid did not think about it, and then he did and said, "But I already have a dad." The mom said, "That was not your real dad."

Do you know the teacher that went up into space?

You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."