Ups Jokes

I love Steven Hawking's stand-up comedy!

A project where people get lined up to be changed.

An African man was walking in New York when he saw a sign that said, "Watch out for children."

He started laughing hysterically, then a white man asked him, "Why are you laughing?"

He said, "In Africa, they would never put up a sign like that."

Best pick up line EVER.

There is an app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12 to 15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12 to 15 inches longer.

Mommy, mommy! Are we bank robbers?

Shut up and pass me the note.

A four-panel comic shows two bald figures and a Doberman. In the first panel, one figure says "I have a bad history with dogs" while the other figure looks on with concern. In the second panel, the first figure is reassuring the other saying "Oh him? He's fine, lovely and kind." The third panel shows the dog saying to the first figure "Go stick a lit match up your ass." The fourth panel shows the first figure crying with the dog and the second figure looking indifferent.

Mommy, mommy! Do we own a sweatshop?

Shut up and keep sewing!

My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.

What do you call a cow that fell up the stairs?

Ground beef.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Knock knock.

WHO'S THERE?

*Starts putting up hand signs.*

If you look up the word "wheelchair" in a dictionary, you will see a picture of Stephen Hawking.

Speak to your dad before I put my hand up your ass!

Why do terrorists like the Twin Towers?

It's the next thing they blow up.

I saw my midget neighbor at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"Bugger off!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little man," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"

"Shut up and pass me the mop."

Mommy, mommy! Are we liars?

"Shut up and cross your fingers when you say that."

Why is he called Stephen Hawking?

Because he is always trying to hawk up phlegm to clear his throat.

One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"