Ups jokes
If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.
If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.
Addison Banks Age (8)
"I'm a little brat who won't shut the hell up! And stop talking!"
Mommy, mommy, why do I keep running around in circles?
Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Me: What did my sister do when she dressed up as Elsa and I gave her a balloon?
You: What?
Me: She let it go, let it go!
What goes up stairs but doesn't move? Stairs! Laugh now!
A sister went to her brother's room and says,
"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"
"Yes, sis."
"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)
"My pet snake."
"Can I pet it?"
"Yes."
He wakes up in a hospital.
"What happened?"
"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."
"You dummy!"
"Whaaat?"
Ebay is so useless. I tried searching up lighters, and all they had was 13,749 matches.
Did you know that your son has been deeper inside of your wife than you have...unless you put the coat hanger up there?
Sorry man... I kinda messed those things up.
An orphan walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand, "Hey, bum, bum, bum, got a family?"
This kid lost Kahoot, so he shot up the school.
What did you call a school that got blown up?
Yesterday I had a party.
I got questioned about five dead kids locked up in a box.
I did that when I was 13. Damn, I forgot about them!
Win a free ride in a police car! Just pick up a knife and use it!
Sleep and death are alike; it's just with death you don't wake up.
What is the best way to make a leaf?
Go down, back around, and stir up a tree. Make it spin, watch again. Oven baking, ding, we're done!
2, 4, 6, 8, you're staying up too late.
2, 4, 6, 8, all I do is master bait.
I waved to you before, but you never sea me because you're so washed up.
When is the last time you picked up the phone?
What did the undershirt say to the T-shirt when they were fighting?
"If you don't shut up right now, you're gonna lose your shirt!!!"
Get it?