Ups jokes
Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.
Bully: Shut up, motherfucker!
Me: Well, stop talking to me and I won't have to keep fucking your mother.
What goes up but doesn't come down?
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF file.
Teacher on school bus, "Everybody sit down now, the bus is about to start."
Ben: "I’m not going to sit down. I don’t want to."
Teacher: "You have to, or else you have to get off the bus."
Teacher: "*stands up*"
Ben: "Then you should get off the bus 'cause you're not sitting."
Memes
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:
Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.
What’s one thing a man can do that a woman can’t?
Sit down and shut up.
I read a sign. What it meant to say is, "You matter, don't give up." What I read was, "You don't matter, give up."
Freddy: I'm coming for you >:)
Me: God, no, help!
*game notification pops up with very loud sound*
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.
His wife was up waiting for him.
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.
He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
Do you wanna eat makeup, 'cause you're not pretty on the inside?
Yo mama so fat that you need a jack stand to get her up.
A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”
What is a terrorist's favorite song?
"Pumped Up Kicks."
What do you call a booty that can sing?
A crack-up!
Why should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
What does the EPA issue when a person stinks up a room with their smelly farts?
Air quality alert code brown!
Why did the rapper become a chef?
Because he was always COOKING UP RHYMES!
What did the rapper say to his microwave?
"Yo, heat it up, fam!"
I’m trying to see things from LEO’S perspective... but I just can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.