Ups jokes

One day at school, little Johnny was not listening, so the teacher came up to him.

Teacher: "At the end of this ruler is someone dumb."

Little Johnny: "Miss, which end were you referring to?"

What's the difference between emos and 9/11?

The emos are still there, high up off the ground.

I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.

Are you feeling down? Because I wanna feel you up.

Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?

His internet connection ran out.

Never search up "monkey with blue balls."

There were two twins, and they were both very tall.

The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

Ha ha! Get rickrolled!

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

Get the gun, shoot it up your bum!

My brother eats water from the pig factory at 1:00 a.m., and blames a deaf kid, so he ended up going to solitary.

You're so ugly and fat, and you're so lazy you can't even get your ass up and walk.

What do you do when you're bored?

Beat up an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents?

So, I walked up to my grandma and I said, "What color would you be on a rainbow cupcake?" She just turned 61, ok, ok. So I'm like, "I got it, I got it, ok, ok." She's like: "Ok, what color?" I say: "Grey."

Addison Banks Age (8)

"I'm a little brat who won't shut the hell up! And stop talking!"

This mute kid was getting made fun of. I told him to speak up for himself.

This ole boy picked up this hooker and was getting some head driving down the road, and she started gagging on it a little, and he said, "Oh yeah baby, you like that big dick, don't ya?" and she said, "Oh baby, it's not that, ya asshole stinks!"

Win a free ride in a police car! Just pick up a knife and use it!

When is the last time you picked up the phone?