Ups jokes
My orphan terrorist friend is on TV... I think he blew up.
Your hairline pushed back lookin' like you got slapped up by Will Smith.
Did you hear that oxygen and magnesium hooked up last night?
OMg!
So a kid was hanging out with his mom and this man comes up to him and said, "Hi, I'm your new dad." The kid did not think about it, and then he did and said, "But I already have a dad." The mom said, "That was not your real dad."
Do you know the teacher that went up into space?
You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."
A train walks into a bar. It says to the barkeeper, "I'll have a gallon of ale."
"A gallon?" the barkeeper asks.
"Yes," replies the train, "I always end up chugging it."
Why would you shoot up an innocent school... if your aimbot's dead and you can't commit headshots only?
I saw a little kid cry. I went up to him and asked where his parents were. Jeez, I love working at the orphanage!
Yo mama so stupid, she went to Dr. Pepper for a check up.
I love Steven Hawking’s stand-up comedy!
My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢
Me people call me emo.
Older cousin: Why?
Because I always have my hood up and wear black cloths and wear black cross earrings.
My dad seen RuPaul's Drag Race?
Asked when will they do up the cars!
I love Steven Hawking's stand-up comedy!
A project where people get lined up to be changed.
An African man was walking in New York when he saw a sign that said, "Watch out for children."
He started laughing hysterically, then a white man asked him, "Why are you laughing?"
He said, "In Africa, they would never put up a sign like that."
Best pick up line EVER.
There is an app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12 to 15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12 to 15 inches longer.
Mommy, mommy! Are we bank robbers?
Shut up and pass me the note.
Mommy, mommy! Do we own a sweatshop?
Shut up and keep sewing!
My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.