Ups jokes
A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"
The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."
Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.
I went up to an orphan bully and I said, "Here, look, I made a website!"
The orphan likes it, but the kid says, "I forgot one feature, though... the home button."
Bully: Shut up.
Me: I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up.
What's the definition of suspicious?...
A nun doing sit-ups in a cucumber field. 💀
Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"
My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?
Had an amazing night with this girl, woke up, and it was my aunt. Now I’m in love.
Why did the Vampire put his son up for adoption?
He thought his son sucked!
What goes up but never comes down?
Water in Australia.
Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?
Me: Look at the stars in the sky.
Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?
Me: No, it’s a waste of time.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.
Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.
Little Johnny woke up at midnight on Christmas Eve to Santa with his pants down on top of his mom. He then said, "Ho ho OH YEAH!!!"
What holds the sun ☀️ up in the sky?
Sunbeams.
I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.
Hey any riding with Biden fans out there?
I ran out of gas and could really use a ride so if one of ya'll can call me and pick me up that'd be great and I can't get gas because I only have 20 bucks which is like 1-5 and a half, help me please.
When you see someone with a double chin that’s sad:
Hey come on, man, keep your chin up. Wait, which one?
A retarded kid sees a murderer chopping up his latest victim with a saw. The retarded kid yells, "Seesaw!" because he sees a saw.
Why did the cake say to the scammer? "I'll scam you up!"
Cancer kids be like: "When I grow up... lol nevermind."
This joke never gets old. Just like the child.
Teacher: What do you want when you grow up?
That depressed kid in class: Dead.