Ups jokes

What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.

If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.

What's up, bitches? Miss me?

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.

What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?

What's the definition of suspicious?...

A nun doing sit-ups in a cucumber field. 💀

I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.

Bully: Shut up.

Me: I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up.

Had an amazing night with this girl, woke up, and it was my aunt. Now I’m in love.

I went up to an orphan bully and I said, "Here, look, I made a website!"

The orphan likes it, but the kid says, "I forgot one feature, though... the home button."

What do you call a booty that tells jokes?

A crack-up!

To Gwen and Freshfry: Hi Gwen and Freshfry, you have been so amazing to me and now to my sister. You are the people who I look up to. People are mean to us because I am adopted. Thank you for all of your support!

Cancer kids be like: "When I grow up... lol nevermind."

This joke never gets old. Just like the child.

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

The parents used to hit him.

His parents got into a car crash and died.

He became an orphan in an orphanage. The people there hit him. He looked up and said "Parents?"

Teacher: What do you want when you grow up?

That depressed kid in class: Dead.

Why did the Vampire put his son up for adoption?

He thought his son sucked!

Why is Donald Trump under so much stress?

Because he signed up to be on an album where somebody says "no love for the rich" on it.