Ups jokes

What goes up but never comes down?

Water in Australia.

I put my leg up in the air sometimes, singing ayo, I'm a flamingo...

What goes up but never past the digits 15?

A Make-A-Wish kid...

What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

Donibobes is an owl. (hehe look up donibobes YT!)

What do pedophiles do when they wake up?

Turn on the child safety lock on the car.

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.

What do you call a booty that tells jokes?

A crack-up!

What's up, bitches? Miss me?

Bully: Shut up.

Me: I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up.

A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"

The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."

I went up to an orphan bully and I said, "Here, look, I made a website!"

The orphan likes it, but the kid says, "I forgot one feature, though... the home button."

Had an amazing night with this girl, woke up, and it was my aunt. Now I’m in love.

When did I wake up?

At the quack of dawn!

What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?

What's the fastest way to Shepherd's Bush?

Up Shepherd's leg.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

A guy was annoyed in a store. I walk up to him and said, "What's wrong, buddy? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned isle!"

The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"