Ups jokes

Your hairline be going up and down like a Formula 1 car!

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.

Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."

Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."

"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."

Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."

What does a deaf person and an orphan have in common? They both can’t hear their parents.

Why can’t an orphan go to Family Dollar? They don’t have a family.

Don’t mess with an emo because if their friends pull up, you gotta fight the suicide squad.

I'd mop the floor with your face, but you might just mess it up more.

The two brothers were sitting next to each other. They played with planes all day long. They got too violent, and now their sister (World Trade Center) stands there. The brothers were put up for adoption, and the planes were given back to their owners.

Your mom is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the bed.

What does a bungee jumper and a homosexual have in common?

When the rubber snaps, they both end up in the shit! 💩

Kobe couldn’t clutch up with the rift to go.

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

This category is messed up.

My Mom died in 9/11, at least she was doing what she loved, flying planes.

Imagine going up to an emo and saying, "You're just like a spider, you're both good at hanging."

I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.

We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, We're breaking up because I never loved you.

If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.

Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.

It’s so sad because Stephen Hawking can’t even stand up for himself after all these mean jokes.

Mom: Son, get up for school.

Son: I AM UP *holds up books and says I'm up* IM UP MOM!

Son: Hey, Dad, I'm cold. Can you give me a lift from work?

Dad: Hi Cold, nice to meet you. Sorry, I don't pick up strangers.

Son: I hate you!