Ups jokes

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

What did the bird do when he ate the expired worm?

He flew up!

The two brothers were sitting next to each other. They played with planes all day long. They got too violent, and now their sister (World Trade Center) stands there. The brothers were put up for adoption, and the planes were given back to their owners.

What does a deaf person and an orphan have in common? They both can’t hear their parents.

Why can’t an orphan go to Family Dollar? They don’t have a family.

Don’t mess with an emo because if their friends pull up, you gotta fight the suicide squad.

What does a bungee jumper and a homosexual have in common?

When the rubber snaps, they both end up in the shit! 💩

Kobe couldn’t clutch up with the rift to go.

I'd mop the floor with your face, but you might just mess it up more.

A disabled man stands up.

A blind man says, "You can stand?"

A deaf man says, "You can see?"

A mute person says, "You can hear?"

The disabled man says, "You can talk!"

Doctor: "What the actual f**k"

It’s so sad because Stephen Hawking can’t even stand up for himself after all these mean jokes.

Mom: Son, get up for school.

Son: I AM UP *holds up books and says I'm up* IM UP MOM!

Son: Hey, Dad, I'm cold. Can you give me a lift from work?

Dad: Hi Cold, nice to meet you. Sorry, I don't pick up strangers.

Son: I hate you!

If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.

Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.

What comes next in the pattern, ottffs?

S, because it represents numbers going up: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, We're breaking up because I never loved you.

I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.

He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?

A blender.

How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

But her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom jeans!

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.