Ups jokes

What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

"I thought what we had was special!"

What did the rapper say to the SANDWICH?

"Wrap it up!"

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

What's the difference between a dead hooker and an onion?

I don't cry when I'm cutting up a dead hooker.

I would build you a monument so that you would finally come up with clever thoughts.

What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?

A period.

When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant.

Did you get seafood without me?

Nah, did your barber catch a seizure while lining you up?

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Why does Adolf hate golf?

He ended up in the bunker.

An orphan comes up to me and says, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

Ever heard of account stealing?

Ever heard of someone by the name of "#SHUT THE HELL UP GWEN DON'T EVEN DATE PRINCE ON FACE BOOK!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN UR HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?

When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.

But you know you live alone.

You're so ugly, your class searched up Godfrey Baguma and all called out your name!