Ups jokes
I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.
Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
What did the rapper say to the SANDWICH?
"Wrap it up!"
What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?
"I thought what we had was special!"
So you're offended by midget jokes? C'mon, grow up!
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?
They both enjoy digging up the past.
Your mama is so nasty.
She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.
I walked up to some Arabs and said "Alawakba," then here came the second tower.
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?
"I woke up Chris Breezy."
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
Just got a new internet connected toaster. It wouldn't work until I enabled pop-ups!
A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.