Ups jokes

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

I have had it up to here with you.

(Then there Hight.)

You know why eggs can't tell jokes?

They crack each other up!

Did you leave your hairline at the airplane, because it's going up?

I dressed up as Darth Vader at an orphanage and said, "I am your father!"

Your children grew up faster than it took you to leave for the milk.

When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.

But you know you live alone.

You're so ugly, your class searched up Godfrey Baguma and all called out your name!

I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when all of a sudden, Paddy falls down a manhole. Murphy shouts down, "Paddy, is it dark down there?"

Paddy shouts up, "Dunno Murphy, I crnt see a fecking thing!"

Where do all orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms.

You're walking one day and a little kid, about 5-6 years old, comes up to you asking, "What's a condom?" You have to give that child the wrong answer, what would you tell them? Comment on what you would tell them.

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

How can a guy do stand up comedy in a wheelchair?

A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”

The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”

The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”

I was doing a race, and I started after everyone 'cause I fell, but when I got up I realized I couldn't even race, not because I was behind, but because I can't go straight if I'm gay...

What did the blonde say when someone says, "Your baby is so cute?"

"For the last time, I don't want to sign up my child for Tindergarten just yet!"

Jordan, you stupid ass! Addison never bothered you so leave her the FUCK alone! How about this? Get up, go outside, stop being a jackass, and get a fucking life!

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

What did the acorn say when it grew up?

Geometry.

(Geometry= "Gee, I'm a tree!")