Ups jokes

Why do disabled people always get picked on?

Because they can’t stand up for themselves.

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"

I bullied a handicap today.

What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?

Yo momma is so fat, when she caught the flesh-eating bacteria, it gave up!

The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.

Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.

Why are eggs bad at puns?

They always mix up their yolks!

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.

What goes up must come down, apart from Mr. Vyse.

I am up in the air about becoming a pilot.

Why did the girl 👧 bring lipstick 💄 to beauty school?

Because she had a make-up exam.

Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?

'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.

There's nothing else that can beat up dog.

What's up, dog?

Just my depression!

I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"

Life has ups and downs, and they had downs.

One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?