Ups jokes

Abortion is becoming more and more expensive these days. So visit Ammu-nation and pick up an Armsan RS-X1 tactical shotgun. It comes with a free box of ammo and a three year warranty. Buy now, pay later.

Mom, shut up. Me? I don't shut up, I grow up. When I look at you, I throw up.

"Dude come here and see a rabbit!"

"Ok!"

"Are you ok, man?"

"Yeah, I’m fine."

"Dude, pull your pants back up!"

How many skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

10; 1 to do it and 9 to back him up.

"Is that a quirked-up white boi with a little bit of swag, busting it down sexual style?

Is HE goated with the sauce?"

I cannot believe no one's come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Why did no one turn up to John's funeral?

Because Sally wrote the invitations!

What's the difference between 63 cents and Princess Diana?

It's easier to scrape up 63 cents.

God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.

A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.

A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"

The parentless child stood as her orphanage was blown up by a kamikaze I had rented.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"The FBI."

"The FBI who?"

"Are you dumb? It's the f#cking FBI, now open up!"

When you are sleeping in class and the shooter sees you, then they wake you up and say, "Let’s team up," like, what the f*ck?

A kid goes into a restaurant without parents, and a waitress came up and said, "You have to leave; this is a family restaurant."

The view is so much better without those twins covering the city.

Well, that was a blow up!

What's the difference between an orphan and a baby?

The orphan gets back up.

Have you ever tried anal bleaching?

It really helps assholes lighten up.

POV: You walk up to your short friend and say, "How is the weather down there?"

Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!

You: Why? I don't have any.

Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.

David: Isn't that illegal?

Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.

David: I hate my life.