Ups Jokes

Why does an orphan go to a sewer?

So it can wash up.

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

Yo mama is so ugly that Rick Astley gave her up.

Jeffrey Dahmer likes his men how he likes his coffee: black and ground up.

A Roman went to the bar and he held up two fingers and said, "Can I have five drinks, please?"

Why do high tides come up so high?

Because they come up to say hi.

What did the Twin Towers say when they saw the airplane?

Batter up!

Bully: Shut up, motherfucker!

Me: Well, stop talking to me and I won't have to keep fucking your mother.

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!

I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.

Guess who likes vegetables now?

Bro has to get a fringe to cover up the big, increasing hairline.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

Papyrus: Sans, I have a joke. What do you call someone lazy and incompetent?

Sans: What do you call them?

Papyrus: YOU! NOW GET UP AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM, YOU LAZY BONES!

I went up to the deaf kid and said, "I’m going to punch you in 3, 2, 1." And he ended up with a broken nose, and I said, "You should have listened to me!"

You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"

There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"

She replies with, "These are my headlights."

He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."

So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."

Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"

So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.

He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file.

No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.